Let me introduce you to Bubba...

This doesn't mean I am proud of Bubba... But I think it may explain who Bubba is...

Rugrats in the late 70's early 80's 

As a young kid I had to learn the art of survival. My father leaving at a young age, fending for ourselves when my mom didn't or couldn't afford a sitter, although going to the big blue barns in Reno Park for the day to play was heaven for me and my little brother.  At the age of 8 the unspeakable and most horrifying things that could happen to a young girl happened and therefore gave me the ability to have no fear and the fear of pain never scared me as well.  As a matter of fact, Bubba loved pain, it felt , how do I explain this, soothing, calming.  Maybe because when I felt pain as a young girl, I learned how to disappear in my mind as if in a dream, almost like it was happening to someone else.  As I got older it was always my responsibility to watch after my brother and sister.  My brother is "Special needs" and my sister is 8 years younger than me.  They are both lovers not fighters, probably because I was their big sister, or maybe because they grew up with 'Special Olympics' and my sister with horses riding in horse shows her whole life, while I grew up watching after them, and running around Upper Stead until I was 13 with Job Corps kids and my next door neighbor was the son of a Hell's Angels' Ol' Lady.   When I entered O'brien Middle School at age 11 in the 6th grade, I was probably one of my only friends that wasn't terrified.  I was excited.  There wasn't bullying like there is today.  If you had a problem, you confronted it head on and had a good old fashion fight, no jumping with a gang of people , just one on one and teachers back then didn't break it up until it got out of hand, then you were sent to the office to cool off and sent back to class...unless of course you started fighting again across the Principals desk then you actually did get sent home to cool off for a couple of days (I speak from experience).  The first Bullies that I ever experience was in 7th grade, they were in 8th grade.  They ruled the school.  I will never forget them, Tammy and Sheryl, they were inseparable both tall, one was also pretty hefty and you knew someone was going to get jumped when they walked like they were on a mission and had their rings on that they had taken the stones out of with just the prongs left.  My experience with them started with my best friend Tina.  She was on crutches with a cast and O'brien is a 2 story school.  She used the stairs instead of the service elevator because it took to long to wait for someone with the key.  One day Sheryl and Tammy were behind us and pushed Tina down the stairs.  Of course I helped her to the nurse's office and stayed with her until her Mom came to pick her up.  It was the next period passing that I realized I was now the next target.   I avoided them and then when I got home, instead of going strait home, I went to my next door neighbor ladies Joselyn and Kevan and asked them to teach me to fight, since they loved bar fighting I figured these were the ladies to go to.  And they did.  They taught me the element of surprise, how to really throw a punch and some pretty dirty tricks.  And I enjoyed it and that is when Bubba really started to come out, from all the pent up anger and pain inside me that had been locked away, they taught me how to control it and unleash it when I needed it most.  My mom says my biological father had the ability of extreme self defense as well, maybe I also get some of the Tazmanian Devil from him too?  The next day at school I was eager to get it over with so I caught their eye at lunch by passing them a couple of times and they followed me into the bathroom downstairs in the Commons.  I walked out they didn't.  I can't really tell you exactly what went down in there, just that I blacked out and freaked out at the same time.  After that, they slowly disappeared.  I don't really remember them fighting, well actually jumping many underclassmen after that.  And Bubba knew what she had.  I never bullied kids but I handled what needed to be handled for my friends and family, especially my brother who was picked on relentlessly because of his disabilities.  Going to Hug was the same way as O'brien, you didn't back down or you were a constant target, I had a few pretty good fights at Hug only one with a guy, who was a Senior picking on my boyfriend in PE and I tried to get between them and ended up fighting with him instead, well, he was a football player, I was a freshman girl, I'll admit he hit me once and I was done.  He actually got expelled from school, I wasn't the first girl, or person for that matter that he hit, looking back I wonder if he and some of the other guys were on Steroids, they were awfully huge and angry.  His name was Alan, I can still see his face, lol and his mullet!  On a day to day basis, there were fights at Hug, just like any school, if they were serious, they usually ended up in the bathroom so they wouldn't be broken up and you could get down to business.  I only had one bathroom fight my sophomore year.  It felt good to let more anger out.  On a day to day basis, I was friends with everyone, no cliques no groups, just one best friend and a lot of acquaintances and fun friends to chill with.  I mostly hung out with older kids, some of them no longer in school.  My worst fight was probably with my best friend of many years, over a badmitton tournament mishap. Mainly because we were both so pissed at eachother and we had every single class together so it was one endless fight, to be continued each period.  That and when a girl brought a knife to school to stab me at the football game because I had broken up with her best friends little brother and he was heartbroken.  NO I didn't get stabbed, too many people were talking about it and she got busted with it at the game before I could acknowledge her.

Jay and I got married the day after I graduated High School because I was pregnant with Jayson,  and the end of my year I was completely ostrasized because I was pregnant because back then that was not as common as it is today, it was like I had the plague.  The people who did talk to me called me a slut and told me how stupid I was, but my true friends stayed by my side.  I am still married to Jay today and that only made me stronger.  Jay and I learned and made mistakes in our 20's and many involved fighting at parties and bars.  I seemed to find the men that like to fight woman and Jay would hold my purse and say "Your in trouble now!" or he would join in with their friends to make sure they didn't jump in.  Believe it or not I could hold my own and never got my ass beat, it was usually the other way around and would take a team of people or bouncers to get me off them once I got started, both of my major fist fights , they hit me first, once I was defending my brother at a party and a guy I went to school with was calling my brother a retard and then punched me in the face when I was trying to reason with him because Jay was about to tear him a new one.  The other was at a bar called Characters and my friend Mary got jumped in a bathroom by 5 girls, when she came out and sat at our table and told us what happened, it was obvious, she looked like she had been through a blender, the main girl walked by and I was trapped in the booth table, I flipped it over so I could get out and her boyfriend came to her rescue when he realized what was going on, Jay was right behind me, as her boyfriend pulled me off of her by my hair (if you ever want to me to flip out, just pull me hair) and Jay pulled my purse off my shoulder, looked the guy in the eye and said, "You are in trouble now, kick his ass Honey!"  Somehow we ended up on a pool table and that was the fight it took around 4 bouncers to pull me off of him after I did some pretty good damage.

Life slows down and you get older,  the bar fighting slowed down after that, I think one more when we were at 2nd St bar and a gay guy would not leave Jay alone, his Big Softball player date got involved and the fight was on, Jay couldn't hit a girl so that became a wrestling match and the gay guy backed off after a few minutes when he realized I was a force to be reconned with.  No I'm not proud of all of those fights, but for me they were euphoric and there were more that don't deserve recognition.  As I child I bottled up all my fear and anger and eventually that comes out in some form.  Some hurt themselves, others fight back.  Was I a bad kid?  I don't know, I guess I was.  Was I a handful, absolutely.  I have a huge heart, a very passionate and protective heart, I think part of that is because I don't want anyone to live the the hurt and pain and memories I have lived with my whole life, and still live with to this day.  Now when I jokingly say "I am heavily medicated for your protection" I am serious.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)  and have been told that I have handled my life very well and am an extremely productive adult.  It usually goes completely the other way.  I am still married, I have never been in jail (luckily) I am kind to a fault (until to break that circle of trust, then I am done) I feel the need to fix everything for everyone so they don't have to be in any pain, I am not nor have I ever been addicted (I have had moments of self destruction don't get me wrong).  I am a strong woman of life's circumstances, I am Bubba.

Tears of a Clown......