Handing over the reigns......

I did it today......I passed the baton to Jay.  Whew, that is hard.  I am such a control freak, so used to doing it myself and not asking for help unless it is absolutely necessary.  He now has Fridays off so he can get stuff done while I am at work and for some reason I have always been scared to ask him for help.  There used to be a time when asking him and getting him to agree was such an effort I just quit asking him to help me anymore.  He sees me, through me, how tired and defeated I am and he is helping as much as possible.  One thing I have always handled is the scheduling, finances, phone calls, calendar.  You will only get help if you ask for it.  One thing I have learned is it usually needs to be asked for, I can't expect it to just happen.  When it does........I'm so happy I can't stand it.  So today he is handling all of Stevi's needs...rides, questions, plans... which as you know if you have a teenager can change instantaneously.  Another thing he handled today was going to the Union Hall and fighting it out with Human Resources about the fact that the insurance won't cover Stevi going to the Pediatric Gastroenologist (sp?) because the preferred provider list has a few to choose from.  None are Pediatric and the other specialists won't touch her because she is only 15...It's detrimental to her health and my General Practitioner filed a formal complaint with the Insurance Commissioner yesterday about it because she can only see this particular GI doctor, who actually takes our insurance.  They can't seem to locate him on the provider list so they are denying it.  My doctor spent an hour and 20 minute on the phone fighting with the insurance company.  He is livid, I am scared.  When serious enough, Celiacs Disease can lead to Crones Disease and eventually after they have removed enough of your intestines, you end up with a Colostomy Bag or possibly death.  Jay spent a couple hours and we are still...excuse me, Jay is waiting for a call back from the Union advocate.  They are trying to make concessions because we have had her covered for the last 15 years and we have no other options at this point.  I want to ask him so many questions but he said this morning..."Don't stress, I've got this..."  So I am trying......

Am I just tired?

I feel like I have the flu, I am having severe stomach problems, (what's new right?), I have no energy, I feel like I have a fever (but I don't my temperature is 97.1 hmm?)  I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep and whine like my little mini Doxie does.  I'm stressed, no lie, I haven't had time to exercise and I am following the same diet Stevi is on so I know exactly what she is going through with these strict dietary guidelines.  I'm sure I am not getting enough calories, yet neither is Stevi and my brain is on overload with all this new information I need to absorb.  Thank God this week I am booked solid for a full 5 days because that hasn't happened in years.  God's way of helping me put money back into the bank that has been coming out sooner than I am making it.


I finally made the time to get into my Therapist's office and was able to unload and have myself a little pity party and a mental breakdown in the safety of her office and her response to me was......"When you are on an airline the first thing the Stewardess tells you to do if the plane is going down is to put your air mask on first before helping others......why do you think that is?"


"Because I can't help anyone else if I'm dead or unconscious ...."


She said..."You are absolutely right, if you don't take care of your self first , you are not able to help everyone else successfully, you can't help them if you let yourself fall apart."


We know this.  We are told this, yet as women, we need to fix, protect, placate, and take care of every situation first...and there is never anything left in us , for us.  I really wanted to go to Cross Fit tonight, I really need it for me, but for me today I saw my Therapist  and I really needed to talk to her.  My decision not to go to Cross Fit was weighed back and forth heavily.  Do I go?  I really should and I need to.  Or do I go home because I only slept 3 hours last night and feel like I've been hit by a truck?


Since Stevi has gotten so sick and sensitive to just about all foods unless its fresh, organic with no cross contamination, I have been reading, learning, studying labels , staying up late and getting up early, running her to Doctor appointments, the pharmacy, running to the school.  Basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I've been on the phone with Doctors and insurance companies and pharmacies for endless hours.  I am mentally and physically exhausted and stressed out to the point I feel like an overwound rubber band ready to break or unravel like crazy. Yet, I get up, go to work, smile on cue and drop everything for everyone else when needed.

Maybe I'm just tired............

Happy 25th Birthday to my Lillybug!

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.......................

My beautiful Lillybug

 Christmas Eve, 2002 I was at work when I got a frantic call from my 16 year old son Jayson....He was so upset and inconsolable I couldn't understand him for a minute.  After he calmed down, he was able to tell me about the girl he had been talking to on MySpace all night, and that she had just gotten kicked out of her house and she didn't know where she was going to sleep.  After calming him down, he told me the story of a young sweet girl who was sleeping from friend to friend because her mother had kicked her out and brought her to a half way house to live.  She of course at 15 did not want to be put into the system.  That day, God blessed me in many ways.  One way was that my client at that precise moment was a Social Worker who worked with the Children's Cabinet here in Reno.  We put Jayson on speaker phone and then we 3 way called the phone number that Lilly was waiting at.  She had no where to go, her father had gone off with a girlfriend to Malta and her Mother had given up.  I called my husband Jay and he said..."Do what you need to do to help her..."  I then called her Mother who couldn't talk long because she was late for a lunch appointment but promptly gave me her fax number and I sent her forms to notarize to sign over all parental rights to me and Jay.  When I asked her what she needed to know about us, her response was ..."I'm sure you're a nice person, I'm late, fax me the paperwork."  Jayson went to Christine's office to get the paperwork and bring it to my job and Jay's job for us to sign and within a matter of 4 hours we had full guardianship.  Now to get her here.  Because of Christmas, we couldn't get her until the 26th so my family postponed Christmas at our house and Jay spent 2 days tearing apart my office while my Mom and I went to Rick's furniture Warehouse to buy her a bed,  bedding and essentials.  (When she arrived she had a backpack and a Viola) Jay painted her room, we bought a phone to plug into the teen line we had for Jayson and stocked the kids bathroom with girl stuff that we thought she would need.  Dec. 26th came and Jay went to pick her up at the airport while my family and I were hitting the after Christmas sales to get her enough presents under the tree to feel like part of the family.  I just wanted her to know that she had a home no matter what.  Poor girl, can you imagine a shaved bald Harley construction guy with a leather vest picking you up to go to your new home?  I had only spoken to her the one time and Jayson had handled most of it.  But when I heard that girls voice on the other end, scared and defeated, I knew she needed us.  It was and exhausting 48 hours and she took a few days to adapt.  After all, Jayson literally found her on MySpace.  She lived with us through the rest of her high school years and never gave us any problems, she was a typical teen that had been thrown away from a Mother and Father that were selfish.  Her mother said to me at one time "I'm sure you want money for this, but I'm done raising children, it's my turn now."  I was dumbfounded.  The first time I saw Lilly, I fell in love with her and my family opened their arms to her, my children accepted her as one of us immediately and she squeezed in like she always needed to be with us.  Today she is 25 years old and is blessing us with our 2nd Grandchild Stella in March.  Stevi and I will be taking a road trip to Tacoma to see her and meet Stella and hopefully Ry her hubby.  I love her and miss her everyday now that she is grown up and starting a family of her own.  She hasn't spoken to her biological mother in over a year and as much as that probably hurts her, she knows she has a mother out there that will love her forever unconditionally.  I love you my Lillybug, Happy Birthday.......

An amazing gift to us...

What did I get for X-Mas 2002? A 15 year old daughter...

Addiction runs very deep.......

 That's a scary chart isn't it?  Where do you fall?  Addiction is in every family in some shape or form, it is sometimes new, sometimes a generational illness or sometimes it's just a weakness of the times, when depression overcomes you, you want to disappear.  I don't think I have an addictive personality... although I do get addicted to perfection (like my mom and sister) and I like to win at everything...no matter how small or silly, I enjoy being on top.  I think my main addiction would probably be coffee and exercise.  I know I was going through caffeine with drawl yesterday because I ended up with a full blown migraine.  I was trying to not take anything because since I broke my ankle on Dec 3rd , I have been unable to exercise and have had to rely on pills to feel better, go to sleep, handle stress etc.  I told my husband I feel like a pill popper because every pill I was taking I could have fixed that symptom with diet and exercise.  With Vicodin you have no appetite so you don't eat and with a broken ankle you don't exercise, without diet and exercise I am an insomniac.  I have never gotten hooked on anything. I've never been a smoker, yes I've tried it as a kid and thought I was really cool so I smoked awhile, and I hung out with the tough crowd and dabbled in partying, until I met my husband in high school and he told me he didn't date girls like me. Like a record scratching and the room going silent, I quit that group of friends and everything that went along with it.  My father (biological) had a gambling problem and I remember my Mom waiting at the window when I was little, sometimes crying in a dark kitchen...she would continue to look out the window in Reno Park and the window faced the only road to Bordertown that existed.  At that time, we were the first trailer on the right when you came down that road so she would watch for the headlights that sometimes never came.  He gambled everything and eventually took my Mom's jewelry to the pawn shop before my Mom had enough.  She had two young children,one with special needs, I was 5 my brother was 3.  We were in our newer trailer on Owl Court and I remember her sitting at the dining room table smoking a cigarette crying and she told me Daddy would never be coming home again.  And he didn't.  We were homeless during these times and luckily had a car to live in.  We spent our days  in a park for a awhile and slept in the car at night, on Washington St. while my Mom did what she could to find work and sometimes my brother and I would split what my mother got us to eat and she would eat what was left.


My son who is amazing now, had a bit of a substance abuse problem for awhile which got him kicked out of our house at 17 because we had to teach him tough love.  It was the hardest decision we had to make and thankfully now he is the amazing hardworking man he is.  That was a few years of heartache, fear and pain.  Helplessness and anger to mention a few.


My husband battles his demons as well which scares the Hell out of me.  His family is a generational example.  He has drank since he was a young boy and in high school and our 20's it was fun.  But alcohol can change a person, I've seen the dark side and although he says that guy isn't there anymore, I've met him and I'm scared to death he may come back. (I'm sorry Honey I know you read this...)I'm not perfect either, I have had my share if crazy, wheelchair and out of control moments on alcohol as well, I'm not pointing fingers.  I was molested as a child for 2 years and those are my demons, my Psycho Therapist says the fact that I've never been in jail, addicted to drugs, prostitution , had issues with alcoholism and am still married is a pure miracle.  I think that part of my life not only damaged me but also made me a bit of a control freak.  At 13-14 I dealt with anorexia and from 12-15 I was a fighter, not a bully but was there for any friend, and especially my special brother to handle the situation.  I liked fighting boys the most because they knew how to fight, and until my recent broken ankle, pain was my euphoria. Certain smells trigger me, beer is the strongest and I think that is because my Molester Frank, always had beer on his breath at nap time.  Smell is the strongest memory trigger... this I know and it is sometimes hard for me to let it go.  All I know is we all have our demons, I have people in my life that mean the world to me and people who are acquaintances that are dealing with their demons right at this very moment.  I hope they read this chart at the top and realize that those statistics are real.  I care about everybody in my life some much more than others.  But I do have a big heart that has room for everyone.  I've seen the ugliness of all addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling.  If you need someone to talk to, I am a pretty good listener and I will help you if you need it by getting you in contact with the right person.  The first step is acknowledgement.  Are you ready to live life unclouded.  That's how I prefer to live....I hope you do to.


I love you all.......Lisa

Yesterday, I met Bruce.......

For those of you who live in Spanish Springs you will know who Bruce is ......otherwise let me introduce you.

 Everyday I drive to work on Pyramid Highway.  There is a man, in the same outfit everyday, carrying a trash can, cleaning up after people who throw trash out of their cars, some accidentally flying out of the backs of trucks as Bruce told me.  Everyday as I drive, I honk at him, just to let him know I see him, I appreciate him and I acknowledge what he is doing. Usually 3-5  honks.

Yesterday, I was on my way to Petsmart, and I saw him.  Many times I thought of buying him a coffee, or pulling over to tell him how much I appreciate him.  I went to Petsmart and had a Starbucks gift card from a good friend of mine so I got a Peppermint White Mocha (my favorite FYI) a bag of Blond Veranda coffee beans and a fruit and cheese tray.  I had to go home before my day started and I was hoping I would see him.

 Watching like a hawk, I saw him in the distance.  I pulled over and honked my 5 honks and he waved like usual, but noticed I had pulled over to the shoulder.  I decided that I would give him my fruit and cheese tray.

 I got out of my car  and introduced myself.  I said " Hi, my name is Lisa and I just want you to know how much I appreciate what you are doing to keep this roadway beautiful."  He told me his name was Bruce and I offered him the fruit and cheese tray which he was thankful for.  As we sat on the side of Pyramid Hwy. he ate and  I learned that he had suffered a few strokes and what we had in common was the love of hiking.  I can't hike because of my ankle being broken, he can't hike because he has had  a series of strokes.  

He recognized my car and said I always honk more than the others.  I told him I was OCD and we laughed.  We hugged and as he ate his fruit and cheese tray he said, "My Dr. said I can't hike anymore, but I miss being in the Mountains so much, I figured if people see me out here picking up trash, and noticed I was sitting on the side of the road not moving they would call 911 or stop and help me."  He loves hiking and exercise, so please if you see Bruce, please Honk so he knows you see him and if you do see him sitting without picking up trash or not moving, please pull over or call 911, he is prone to strokes, all by himself and may need help.  


Next week, I will grab a barrel and join him.......Will You?