Addiction runs very deep.......

 That's a scary chart isn't it?  Where do you fall?  Addiction is in every family in some shape or form, it is sometimes new, sometimes a generational illness or sometimes it's just a weakness of the times, when depression overcomes you, you want to disappear.  I don't think I have an addictive personality... although I do get addicted to perfection (like my mom and sister) and I like to win at everything...no matter how small or silly, I enjoy being on top.  I think my main addiction would probably be coffee and exercise.  I know I was going through caffeine with drawl yesterday because I ended up with a full blown migraine.  I was trying to not take anything because since I broke my ankle on Dec 3rd , I have been unable to exercise and have had to rely on pills to feel better, go to sleep, handle stress etc.  I told my husband I feel like a pill popper because every pill I was taking I could have fixed that symptom with diet and exercise.  With Vicodin you have no appetite so you don't eat and with a broken ankle you don't exercise, without diet and exercise I am an insomniac.  I have never gotten hooked on anything. I've never been a smoker, yes I've tried it as a kid and thought I was really cool so I smoked awhile, and I hung out with the tough crowd and dabbled in partying, until I met my husband in high school and he told me he didn't date girls like me. Like a record scratching and the room going silent, I quit that group of friends and everything that went along with it.  My father (biological) had a gambling problem and I remember my Mom waiting at the window when I was little, sometimes crying in a dark kitchen...she would continue to look out the window in Reno Park and the window faced the only road to Bordertown that existed.  At that time, we were the first trailer on the right when you came down that road so she would watch for the headlights that sometimes never came.  He gambled everything and eventually took my Mom's jewelry to the pawn shop before my Mom had enough.  She had two young children,one with special needs, I was 5 my brother was 3.  We were in our newer trailer on Owl Court and I remember her sitting at the dining room table smoking a cigarette crying and she told me Daddy would never be coming home again.  And he didn't.  We were homeless during these times and luckily had a car to live in.  We spent our days  in a park for a awhile and slept in the car at night, on Washington St. while my Mom did what she could to find work and sometimes my brother and I would split what my mother got us to eat and she would eat what was left.


My son who is amazing now, had a bit of a substance abuse problem for awhile which got him kicked out of our house at 17 because we had to teach him tough love.  It was the hardest decision we had to make and thankfully now he is the amazing hardworking man he is.  That was a few years of heartache, fear and pain.  Helplessness and anger to mention a few.


My husband battles his demons as well which scares the Hell out of me.  His family is a generational example.  He has drank since he was a young boy and in high school and our 20's it was fun.  But alcohol can change a person, I've seen the dark side and although he says that guy isn't there anymore, I've met him and I'm scared to death he may come back. (I'm sorry Honey I know you read this...)I'm not perfect either, I have had my share if crazy, wheelchair and out of control moments on alcohol as well, I'm not pointing fingers.  I was molested as a child for 2 years and those are my demons, my Psycho Therapist says the fact that I've never been in jail, addicted to drugs, prostitution , had issues with alcoholism and am still married is a pure miracle.  I think that part of my life not only damaged me but also made me a bit of a control freak.  At 13-14 I dealt with anorexia and from 12-15 I was a fighter, not a bully but was there for any friend, and especially my special brother to handle the situation.  I liked fighting boys the most because they knew how to fight, and until my recent broken ankle, pain was my euphoria. Certain smells trigger me, beer is the strongest and I think that is because my Molester Frank, always had beer on his breath at nap time.  Smell is the strongest memory trigger... this I know and it is sometimes hard for me to let it go.  All I know is we all have our demons, I have people in my life that mean the world to me and people who are acquaintances that are dealing with their demons right at this very moment.  I hope they read this chart at the top and realize that those statistics are real.  I care about everybody in my life some much more than others.  But I do have a big heart that has room for everyone.  I've seen the ugliness of all addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling.  If you need someone to talk to, I am a pretty good listener and I will help you if you need it by getting you in contact with the right person.  The first step is acknowledgement.  Are you ready to live life unclouded.  That's how I prefer to live....I hope you do to.


I love you all.......Lisa