Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Am I supposed to miss him this much...?

 Am I supposed to miss him this much?  We've lived together since 1985... you would think some time away would be refreshing.  That's what all the other wives tell me.  "Enjoy it!"  They say.
 How can I enjoy it when I look over at the empty side of the bed and long to see him there.  I hate sleeping alone.  I thought I loved it.  I haven't slept alone since June 1986 other than a few bouts of normal marriage woes , snoring, fighting etc.
 Is it normal at my age after this many years to cry because you miss someone so much it actually creates pain in your chest?  Over the years you become comfortable, even resentful at times.   But you are together to get angry with each other and a simple touch, kiss or hug can make it better in a second.  With 400 miles plus between us, I can't just fall into his arms after a bad day, or sit and laugh with him as he makes a romantic table in the front yard with flowers and wine for all the neighbors to see and come tell us how cute we are.
I miss him.  To the point I feel lonely, and angry that the only communication for us is via text or phone calls which I am usually running around with 20 things to do so then I don't give him the full attention he deserves even if for a few minutes. I had my breakdown moment again last night.  I should be able to get passed this but the job is 10 years and I think that is what is stuck in my head.  I know women do this everyday. Even though he doesn't always want to do the things I want to do when he is here...He is here. His presence is soothing. I want to hold his hand, kiss him good morning and good night...nudge him when he snores too loud and feel the warmth of his body at night.  I miss him staring at me for no reason and watching me get ready because he finds it beautiful.

I know we have a long road ahead of us...and you would think being as busy as I am between work, chores, Stevi and opening a new salon I wouldn't have time to think... but its amazing what the brain does to you when you miss somebody this much.  It debilitates you, wears you down and depresses you.  I am keeping as busy as possible, I'm just sad and angry that he's not here . But it's for our future and we are slowly getting bills paid off and paid down.....there is a light...at the end of the RV...

4 comments:

Elaine said...

It warms my heart that the marriage we said would never work has survived so many ups and downs. You and Jay deserve so much credit for this. I'll let you know when I win the lottery! ;-)

Lisa Lynch said...

Thanks Mom ;-)))

Yavonne Kalama said...

I guess you are a couple that really knows what Love is.I feel for you I do know this feeling.

Lisa Lynch said...

Thank you Yavonne............<3