Monday, September 29, 2008

Happy Birthday Mommy....

Hey Mama Hey, today's your birthday
You can still shuck and jive what more can I say?

You can make me laugh at the drop of a hat,
you're my best of friends imagine that!

At the age of 13 I knew it all
but I never knew it would be you I'd call

When in trouble or in doubt
I can count on you to figure it out.

I enjoy you now more than I ever knew I would
who knew we would get along so good.

Thanks for the guidance and of course the love
You're the best Mom in the world, I thank heaven above.

You used to wipe my bum and feed me too,
When the time comes, right back at you! (wink)


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tales from the Chair Chapter 14

The names have been changed to protect the children involved....

Nice quiet evening in Tammy's neighborhood,  she and her son Tommy decide to enjoy each others company and do a jigsaw puzzle together so Tammy pops open a cold beer, Tommy a soda.

Time goes by and they hear the neighbors house getting noisy outside so Tommy looks out the front window and says "If they hit my truck  I am going to kill somebody!"  Tammy replies, "What's going on outside?"  "There is a party outside and it looks like there is a fight going on in front of our house!"  Tammy jumps up and looks outside and what she sees are 3 huge Tongan boys beating the tar out of a skinny little white boy who looks 13 or 14 years old.  She is scared so she calls her husband Tom, who is by no means a small man and tells him he needs to get outside and help that poor boy!  Tom, Tammy and Tommy head outside and the Tongans take off but the skinny white boy is completely unconscious and has blood all over him and coming out of his head.  There is a completely out of control party going on next door and fights all over the street, so when skinny white boy starts to moan and groan, he starts to cuss Tammy out in a drunken, drug induced stupor.  She tells him to calm down, she is a mother who is trying to help him he got beat up.  Meanwhile Tom calls 911 and drunk kids are jumping into cars to avoid the police.  She asks skinny white boy what he had to drink and if he had any drugs so he gave her a list that went on and on.  When the paramedics came they got a hold of his mother.  She shows up ready to fight Tammy for calling the police and ends up getting arrested because she is on something as well,  they skinny white boy ends up being a 14 year old and the mother a crackhead who is in the back still cussing out Tammy in handcuffs, I am assuming he has a mouth on him as well and that is why he got the crap  beat out of him.

The police go inside to break up what is left of the party inside and find the teenage boys responsible for the party.  Both live there, one is 18 the other is 13, the parents are in Napa for a relaxing weekend.

Then the 13 year old confesses to the police that their 9 year old brother is upstairs in the closet, passed out because he drank too much Jack Daniels.  Turns out he is in an alcohol induced coma and ended up in the hospital for a week with severe alcohol poisoning. 

The parent arrive home from their relaxing weekend to find all this, they didn't answer their cell phones because they needed a break from the kids, kids are in the hospital, jail and juvenile hall.  Tammy runs over to talk to mom to tell her what is going on and the mom is very angry, that Tammy called the police for one and her boys are in jail.

Skip ahead a week.  Tammy feels that the mom was obviously in shock so she heads next door to see how the 9 year old is, he is out of the hospital but had some serious problems going on, Tammy asks how the older boys are and if she killed them thankfully they are still alive but she did take their cell phones away for a week. Yup you heard me, tough love right......WHAT THE F!!!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I am a happy girl.....

So far so good, had a massive cramp, oh crap, and I am wearing white pants at Stevi's soccer game.  I gingerly trot to the restroom with my purse just knowing what I will find, after all, today my period is due.....................NOTHING!!  The torture device was a success, I think, now it has been three days, three whole days and not a drop.  Is this ablation too good to be true?  Can it be?  I still had some major issues with sugar, and I know it is hard to believe but for a few days I didn't play well with others but I AM NOT BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!  Happy Birthday to me............Ahh life is good, I think I will have another cup o' Joe!

Friday, September 19, 2008

"Bobot" DeBard......Wow!

So it looks like I may have to become a Nascar fan.  Beau DeBard is most certainly on his way.  His proud Mama is kind enough to keep us up to date on his racing and he just got second place in an older NASCAR model car.  The team owner received first place.  I am sure he is just as ecstatic as his family over his "Pole". 

On September 13th in Irwindale, Ca.  in only his second race at the high banked Toyota Speedway he took a second place.  Even though he received a second, he actually had the fastest lap time of 19.05.  At the start of the race the car behind him jumped the gun and hit him from behind, but since Beau is a seasoned racer at the Roseville short track, he held onto his #51 car and did just fine.

NASCAR fans or not, how fun is it to have a handsome young local to route for!  I saw that little boy in diapers, now I am looking forward to watching him as he finishes out the 2008 season with a race in Tucson, Az. against some of the top NASCAR Cup Drivers........We'll be watching you Beau, all the way to the finish line.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Things that make you go..."What the F^(#!

Picture was Wednesday I had a day off which was a pretty leisurely day for once, all I had to do yesterday was A. Get Stevi to School with her Cello after getting her ready for picture day B. Finish Liz's reversible skirt for her birthday, which turned out fabulous I may add C. Drop Skirt off at Liz's house. D. Get to pedicure appointment by 10am and pick up a protein shake at Purple Bean Coffee shop first. E. Get to my Ball Blast Class F. Pick up Stevi from school at 3:30 G. Get ready to go to dinner for Jays 41st Birthday H. Bring Stevi to soccer practice @ 6 pm I. Get to Sterling Steakhouse for 7:30 dinner reservations. J. Clean house when I get home.    Piece of cake day right?

K, here is where the day gets, let's just say........odd?

I'm very relaxed from my pedicure, I have had my protein shake and am ready to go get my work out in, so happy I don't have a lot of crap going on today so I don't have to speed from point A to point J.  I am driving from the point D. (pedicure appointment) and going under the Interstate 80 over pass at Keystone when I see a nicely dressed woman, in heels and a dress, with tidy hair in a bun with a purse walking under the over pass, a nicely dressed black man in business attire with a black briefcase is walking at the same clip approximately 20 steps behind her.  Both seem to be minding their own business.  All of a sudden, out of the blue, the woman stops in her tracks, lifts up her dress, and appears to have NOTHING on underneath, and straightens her legs as she grabs her ankles.  Just as casually the man stops, puts his briefcase on the sidewalk and squats down, cocks his head and takes a look at what she is showing him.

She then straightens up, smooths out her dress and keeps walking, not a word exchanged.  As if in a dance, he picks up his briefcase as he stands back up and continues to walk the required 20 steps behind her, I am assuming to their destination.

People......IT WAS NOON ON WEDNESDAY!  Lots of traffic and broad daylight.

Does anyone else find this odd? Amusing? Oddly Amusing?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Happy Birthday Honey

that is a day I will never forget
With a Snoopy shirt on and Reed Sweats too
from that day forward we were stuck like glue

I'd watch your games in love and awe
I never knew emotion so raw
When I met you, you were the one
Everyday with you made life fun

Our Senior year we made our way
and loved so much we had to stay
A pregnancy made us closer yet
We kept our son even with the looks we'd get

I'm sure they thought it would never work
After 22 years we can look and smirk
We've had our ups and downs and trials too
But no one can love the way we do

You are the one till death do us part
we have made our love into an art
So on this day Happy Birthday to you
The first day I saw you I guess I just knew....

I love You.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


I miss your curls filled with hay

I remember the day you lost your two front teeth
And how I made you duck in the back seat
You have now become my best of friend
And that I can count on till the end

So enjoy this time in your life
Be a woman as well as a wife
Try to find and take that special time
If you let it go it will be a crime

So for your day be good to yourself
Don't put who you are away on a shelf
I love you Sis this is true
I don't know of anyone as wonderful as you. (except for me of course!)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Ablation....piece of cake?.........

Yes, why don't we take a moment to learn about NovaSure.  Dr. Pollock said, "Piece of cake, you will have it done on Thursday afternoon and be golfing on Friday" SIGN ME UP!  As the old adage goes, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."  But, because I have been having so many issues with my female fun times, I heard exactly what Dr. Pollock said and took that as the gospel.

Thursday afternoon, walk into the office and sign the waiver which  list complications, one of which is puncturing through uterine walls and damaging Stomach.......huh.....oh well sign. Another complication is internal organ damage due to procedure?  Ok, whatever, I guess they have you sign everything for precautionary reasons.  

Inside the procedure room, they shoot me once, twice, three times in my rear end with Demoral and some other medication, one for pain, on top of the 4 advil I took an hour prior and two to keep me calm.......ok why do I need to be calm, oh yeah because I am awake during the procedure, one reason the nurse told me is because I need to be aware of anything going wrong, such as them puncturing through the wall of my uterus into my stomach, oh ok, sounds like fun, by now I am speaking like Zsa Zsa Gabor and having a very delayed reaction to whatever is being said to me, words are forming in my brain, but for some reason, they aren't quite coming our of my mouth as I intended.

Enter Dr. Pollock, boy, he sure is all smiles today......."Want to see my tool?"  I slur..."Okaaaaaaaay"  He raises this tool that looks like a meat thermometer and says,  "this is the tool"......"wow...."  I respond,  he says "Check this out!"  Then I think he pressed a button and a rod came out the top then it sprang open like a bat wing, only it had razorblades on all sides including the top.  Hmmmmm is this what I signed up for?  "Shlooks like pphunnnn".  I guess that is the gadget that can puncture the uterine walls.

The nurse then grabs my hand and gets really close to my face and says..."Lisa, are you listening to me? ''...."mmmmmmyups" "Honey, this is going to REALLY REALLY hurt, do you understand?" "whaaa?" "I mean this is really going to hurt, but you need to tell us if something feels wrong, do you understand this?""wrooong, yeah, issssok"

Dr. Pollock....."Now, Lisa, tell me to stop if you can't bear the pain, Nurse SoandSo  here started screaming after 3 seconds and begged me to stop, so you don't need to be brave, just tell me when to stop."....."uh oh........k, shlets geter done"

Dr. Pollock."30 seconds bzzzzzzzzzzzzzshrrrr"
"90 seconds bzzzzzshrrrr"
"80 seconds, you're a champion are you ok?"

At this point I think I ripped the hand off of the nurse and had intense eye contact with her with that 'Oh shit, I just might die' look in my eye.  This is worse than labor, I kid you not!

Dr. Pollock....."Now Lisa, the whole right side of your body is going to be in extreme pain, this is normal, we are almost done, are you ok?" "JUSSSSGETERDONE!"  " Ok Champ, wow you are amazing, most women are crying by now."  "I halfaye shtrong tolenanssssse for peen."  "Ok only 70 seconds"...huh how many seconds are there and why is my right ear on fire and my toes curled up into a fist?   "Ok, Lisa we are done, don't look at the mess, the nurse will clean it up so you, no no don't sit up please!,  wow, you are definitely the champion, you didn't even ask me to stop once!"  "sho where's my blpalaque floor the shwall?"

As the nurse is cleaning up the blood, tissue and me, I am thinking, Thank God, I only have to do this once!, the nurse then says, "Oh and I don't care what Dr. Pollock says you need to take tomorrow off, he is a man and has never had this done, I have, believe me you need a couple days to rest, you are going to be sore."  Gee do you Fucking think so! Thanks for the warning!

Ummm yeah, then Dr. Pollock comes back in the check on me and says..."You will be sore and will be leaking for the next 4-6 weeks, so wear a pad, in four months we will know if it is a success, if not, call me and we will do it one more time."  "HUH!"  I HOPE YOU WILL NOT BE HEARING FROM ME EVER AGAIN, PIECE OF CAKE MY ASS!  And don't forget ladies, I am Bubba.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Mmmmmmm Blue Diamond Almond Breeze! Yum

I made the most delicious dish last night it consisted of fresh shrimp sauteed in peanut oil and Thai Red Curry Paste while that is sauteing, you mix in a bowl Lemon grass powder, lemon zest, chopped shallot, 3 chopped scallions, 2 chopped red peppers, lime zest, lime juice, brown sugar and cherry tomatoes, then you toss it all together and Walla, you have a delicious healthy shrimp salad.  

    Since I made a healthy dinner and I have cut sugar out I saw these Almond Breeze dessert drinks in Chocolate, Vanilla and Original in the Natural Foods section at Raley's, 1g. of Carbs, I'm in!  I love Chocolate, only 1g of Carbs and Almonds are so healthy for you.  So my mom(she was one of my dinner dates) being as adventurous as I am, and I poured some in a glass over ice for dessert after dinner, while Jay and Stevi made Mountain Dew floats with French Vanilla ice cream.  I was excited for the chocolate so naturally I didn't wait and went first,.................hmmm, let me try that again, I didn't really taste anything, gulp,  nothing, maybe our taste buds are fried from the spicy dinner, hmm, "Mom, taste that......"  blank or should I say bland look on her face...."Nothing"  It literally tastes like water, brown water with 45 calories, yet the packaging boasts......Luscious Taste! Smart Choice!  The Preferred Taste Alternative, Smooth and Creamy AND only 45 calories per serving.

    I think I got ripped off, my mom asked me how much I paid for it and I was so excited at my find, I didn't even look at the price.  $.50 would have been too much, but I assure you it was more than that, after all I was at Raleys.