Entitlement.......

8th grade photo

 She's always been the star of the show.  My over achiever.  My All-star.  My honor student.  My straight A student.  Since she was in kindergarten, she insisted on setting her own alarm and getting herself ready.

Her beautiful guitar

I have never had to worry about her grades, she stressed about them enough.  She has always wanted to go to medical school and do sports medicine.  She tries out for the school sports and makes it.  Never a doubt in my mind she wouldn't.  She's beautiful, intelligent, self assured and athletic.  Musically talented whether it is singing or playing an instrument.

First recital of many

Freshman cheer team

She is an amazing dancer and I know she is a loyal and dedicated friend.

It has started, she has gone to the dark side..........she is 15.

I can kick my own ass........

I can kick my own ass.  Anyone who truly knows me has seen me do it.  In the salon, I am always hitting myself, dropping things etc.  At home I am a bull in a China Store.  I am pretty sure this morning getting ready by doing my hair I gave myself a black eye. I was going to flat iron my bangs and poked myself in my right eye with my thumb nail, I am sure it will bruise.  I do bruise pretty easily, I don't know if I'm lacking iron, potassium or whatever, or if it is my age and the fact that the older you get you have thinner skin.  Right now I look like a battered woman.  Two pretty good bruises on my right arm, compliments of myself on my very selfish day where I decided to drink a bottle of wine while Jay was at work and unload boxes.  Stood on a cardboard box that contains our artificial tree to pull a box down and put a TV, a very large heavy TV up to rearrange things.  Funny the box was holding me just fine until the TV was in my arms.  I went down, saved the TV, knocked over more boxes and got a cardboard cut on my tricep which now also has a bruise around it, and a good one above my wrist.  I have always been accident prone.  I trip on imaginary cracks in the side walk and bump into signs as if they aren't even there.  I always seem to move through things instead of around them.  I think I have numerous unexplained bruises on my legs...I don't even know where they came from myself.  This week I had a lot of clients asking me what happened to my arm and a few stare at it and say nothing.  I assure you, everything is normal and okay in my world.  At this point in our lives Jay would cry before he would ever deliberately hurt me.  He isn't a physical person anymore.  I am, just mainly physical with myself.  So if you see me looking like I've been in a car accident, don't be afraid to ask me what happened. I always will tell the truth whether it is good or bad, I did leave out a minor detail this week.  That would be the wine.  I am a bit embarrassed that I drank a whole bottle on my selfish pity party day, especially since that is the one thing that I get angry with Jay over.  I did drink, I am allergic, I had some hives and I kicked my own ass.........then passed out.

Runnamucca.......

 Runnamucca is always Memorial Weekend.  3 Weeks ago I told Jay there was no way in Hell I would go because it was just going to be a "Drunk Fest"  I no longer have my Deluxe so I can't just ride home on my own.  I now know, if I feel unsafe or unhappy I can leave the situation. I have friends that have moved to Winnemucca and they are just a phone call away.  Knowing that it's okay to set boundaries on my own happiness and security is being able to breathe.  I don't feel like a weight is on top of my head holding me to all these burdens.  Jay asked me last night if he was doing okay in the 'Mommy Porn' category......helping around the house, bringing me flowers, being sober........Yes he is.  I will probably always have my guard up, but I agreed that after Ride for the Tata's I would really like to go to Runnamucca.  We have always had fun, aside from the time Stevi, Jay and I got stuck in the elevator at the Holiday in with a bunch of drunk Vago's , no Bueno.  And we had our wild and fun nights in the past.....I don't know what this weekend will bring, I have no control over it, but he knows where I stand and I know I always have an exit.  That is up to me.  It will be rainy and windy, it always is Memorial Weekend.  This is a part of me I have always enjoyed and I let it be an unhappy place when I had to give up my bike.  I am not meant to ride on the back, I am too much of a control freak and when I felt uncomfortable, I fixed it by getting my own.  That can't happen in this economy, so for now, I need to trust that he will put my safety first.  If he doesn't I will cross that bridge when I approach it.  I am living for today and I have had to remind myself to stop thinking so much a few times, and when I do, it makes life much more enjoyable.  The man Jay is today and yesterday and for the last week is the man I am in love with, unclouded and loving.  Enjoyable to be around and "This Guy" is the one that holds my heart in his hands.  I hope he's here to stay..........

Hell on High Heel may be Hell on Wheels........

 I've had my week of "me, me, me, me" and I will continue to put myself first.  I had 3 days of self pity and anguish, my 3 days of 'I really don't care what happens', and my 3 days of 'I'm going to do whatever the Hell I want and not care who's watching or what happens.'


Now it's Mommy mode.  My little girl, the youngest, the baby, my lil' Angel and my "Get out of my way or I'll run you over" Stevi is 15 1/2 today.  Every mother knows what that means........

Yup, a trip to the DMV.  She gets out of school today at 1:45 and if all goes well, will be driving us around by around 3ish. I have to work tonight from 5-11 and I'm sure she will be with me since my little Blondie needs her roots done because they look grey coming in against a level 4 dark brown.  Being the chameleon she is, I'm shocked she wants to keep it dark, although she says she wants some purple and eggplant highlights put in.  Ever changing........

 She has always been silly, competitive, and adorable but now I think today she is nervous and a little bit scared.  This means a whole new world.  She is actually growing up and will be driving BY HERSELF  in 6 months.  Ugh and YAY!!

 I know it's a whole new set of worries and I am terrified and so excited for her.  My mom is always taking in deep breaths, yelling out and trying to pump the brakes while I drive and I have been driving for 27 years.....without an accident....

 I'm sure this is another area I will turn into my mother........Jayson wrecked numerous cars, I think 5 whether it was an accident or how he drove? I hope she drives like me instead of like her father or brother. 

 Funny thing I thought of.......they should have a Student Driver magnetic sign you can put on your roof like the Dominoes Pizza guys with hazard lights going so people know to steer clear and why the car is going too slow and is all over the road.

So, after 3, if you see a red Honda driving really slow, please, stay back, stay calm and go around.  You may see us in that car.........but knowing her, we may be passing you in the fast lane with the sun roof open and music on..................Wish me luck!  I mean, Wish Stevi luck!

Things that made me smile this week

•  Being relaxed on the bike ride we took Sunday without worrying.
• Those moments when I realize I am turning into my mother (she's pretty cool)

•  Letting loose and looking like a hair ball the Pink Panther hacked up.
• Putting all of our weekly hikes into the calendar because I miss them.
• Seeing Stevi's friend Kody from 7th grade over at our house because he goes to Reno High also.

•  Letting go of the past because I've already been there and just enjoying today without thinking.
• Feeding the ducks and geese with my Mom at Idlewild Park
• My husband telling me to plan some weekend hikes so he can go too.
• The flowers Jay brought in from the yard for me.

•  Seeing Sage graduate kindergarten and Dallas telling me that she wants Jessica Sanchez to win American Idol because "She dresses fancy like me and Auntie Beautiful."

•  Jay waking me up to walk to Walden's for a coffee on Saturday morning.
• Feeling pretty without my make-up on because I had a smile on my face.

•  Spending time with friends without worrying about the next 5 minutes/hour/week.

• My therapist telling me I did a great job during the week taking care of me, as hard as it was.
• All the walks we took this week, I have no idea how many miles we put in, but they felt great.
• Having today all to myself.

SHE CHEATED!!!

 Yesterday was a great day.  Beautiful outside, for a good cause and I felt safe on the back of the bike for the first time in a long time.  I didn't have to over think, analyze or worry about what may or may not happen.  I just let it go.

 I decided to enter the Pink out contest which was a cash prize of $125.  I was in it to win it.  I even had on pink eyelashes.  I lost to the cuteness factor of an 8 year old.   I guess that was meant to be, because I would have kept the cash prize and the little shit gave the money back to JP to put towards the charity. (Good lesson from an 8 year old, I still would have kept the money......just sayin')  

Jay's speakers are blown out on the front of his bike so I did a silent auction and bid on 2 Alpine speakers worth $149 and got them for $70 (which is tax deductible because it goes to Breast Cancer) and they are too big for his dash so he would have to put them in his bags which he doesn't want to do, so looks like I just got new speakers for the Honda. (That will make Stevi happy since that is probably what she will be driving in 6 months if she gets her grades up!)

The lil' cutie I lost too......I think she cheated I was pink from head to toe...HELLO!

SHIT! AS I'M WRITING A WASP JUST FLEW IN THE HOUSE! BREATHE AND IGNORE!


All in all it was the most relaxing day I have had in awhile.  I looked ridiculous and didn't care...had people taking pictures of me and with me and am supposedly on Candy Barrels FB page today...I need to "like" them to check it out.


Originally I canceled Runamucca because I was afraid of what the weekend had in store, but I now know I am in control of how I feel.  If I feel unsafe or scared, I can leave the situation, and I will.  Even in Winnemucca.  I CAN ride Jay's bike home if I have to , on my own, or rent a car or find a safe ride back somehow.  It's been a very emotional week for me and my family.  As for now, we are all aware that we are the only ones who can control our own lives.  I know what I want and what I don't want.  Jay says that after he now clearly can see the pain he has put me through and I am putting my foot down for myself, not him, not anyone but myself...he only wants to make me smile, not cry again.  I've been here a few times in the last 29 years, all I know is I am in control of only me and I need to take my life day by day.  Today so far, is a good day..............


ps. I STILL THINK SHE CHEATED!!!

Take each day as they come......

 Each day is different, you never know what you are going to get when you go to sleep at night.  I have learned to not look forward and not expect what my day will be, because my life is so unpredictable.


Today is a good day.  So far.  I don't know what the next hour will bring or even the evening, but Jay woke me up this morning with kisses and asked me to walk with him to Walden's for a coffee.  This is new.  And something I have actually dreamed about, sad but true.  Then we came home and got ready to go watch Sage graduate kindergarten at Coral Academy.  Stevi saw Sage born and suddenly broke down into sobbing tears....she is her mothers daughter and her grandmothers granddaughter. That got Liz going and Guoda trying not to cry.  Oh boy, I actually didn't because I think I am cried out for the week, but laughed at them like they have laughed at me and my mom so many times.  


Jay left to go get some parts for his new back rest on the Harley and I am taking Stevi and her friend Cozy to Junkee's because I need to "fine tune"  my Pink outfit for tomorrows Ride for the Tata's.  So far I have some pretty outrageous things to wear.  Why not...I need a weekend to be stupid, so I will.


So far, today is a good day.

Blank Stare......

Blank stare

torn apart

how do you fix

a wounded heart?

All alone

in a world for two

always thought

it would be me and you.

Look at her

empty eyes

lonely heart

she slowly dies.

If only he

could love her back

she wouldn't feel

this heart attack.

Desperate for him to see

the man inside

she knows

him to hide.

She loves him only

flaws and all

he just not there

to catch her fall.

Will this break

be the last

or will our love

be in the past..........

Lisa R. Lynch

 Happy 88th birthday Dad.  I miss you everyday.  Thank you for being my Dad, for loving me as your own daughter and instilling discipline in me, although I know it must not have been easy.  I love seeing you at night when you come to me in my dreams, although it has been some time since you've done that.  I still have the Raggedy Ann you gave me and the Raggedy Andy I gave you when you got sick.  They are now in a collectors case so they are safe.... I used to let Willow and Sage play with them and they were always very careful with them, because they knew how special they are to me, I know if I were gone and you were still here you would do the same thing.  Jayson drew the tattoo that I put on my leg when you left us, I love when people ask me about it because then they get to hear the story of Raggedy Ann and Andy and it always makes them cry, sometimes I cry too but it usually just makes me smile.  Right now I am crying because I really miss you and I've had a rough week, but Mom and I walked and had a plain dish of vanilla ice cream for your birthday, I do it every year, and I have to admit that this year, we put the vanilla on a sugar cone so we could walk back to the salon.  I know you would be sad that we lost our house, you would probably yell at me, and the salon too, but I still have the first dollar I made in a frame that you paid me for the first haircut in Salon Moxie, weird as this may sound, sometimes I want to take it out and hold it.  I see your face everyday in photos and you always make me smile.  Sometimes we still like to make fun of you , like when you fell asleep on the couch and the phone rang and you answered the remote control....you got so mad at us because we couldn't stop laughing at you because you just kept say..."Hello..?"  over and over again.   Or when I spit chocolate milk across the table because Carol kicked me at dinner.  You didn't think it was funny, but at 14, I sure as hell did.  I've got your mouth, only worse....I also have your patience....none and your scattered organizational skills.  Definitely your filing skills.  But the one thing that I got from you that I cherish the most are my memories of having a Dad and getting a family.  A wonderful family, I have sisters and brothers that I love so much and would never think of them other than blood.  They miss you too.  So does Mom... after all who would help her around the house?  LOL Just kidding, Dad... just kidding.....!  I love you, I miss you and Mom and I had some vanilla ice cream today for your birthday.  Oh and if you're still around, come see me before Jaysons wedding, you would love Guoda, she has really shaped that Jerky kid up.  She is amazing and fits into our family like a hand in a leather glove.  Have a happy birthday Dad........till I see you again.......I love you and miss you very much.


                                                                            Bubba

Dear Readers................

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.......


Dear Readers,


    As you know, I put it all out there.  Not for the sympathy vote, not for bragging rights, not for any other reason than......I put it all out there.  I have nothing to hide.  I live in a fishbowl.  For many years I worried so much about what others thought of me, I , like many others, would pretend my life was just perfect.  Nobodies life is perfect.  I am sorry, if you think it is, you live in a fantasy world.


    My blog yesterday was not easy to write.  It's hard to see through tears.  Living with an alcoholic is a roller coaster ride.  What happens when you are insanely in love with a person but their behaviors are toxic to you?  This.


    I am always surprised when someone approaches me and tells me they follow my blog, especially if it's someone I know in passing.  And I am always surprised at the outpouring of text messages, private messages and hugs, phone calls I get after a painful explosion on my blog.


    Yesterday I had "Kinsey" come by and send me words of encouragement, I know she understands, she has been there on both sides of the fence.  And Thank God I had "Josie" as one of my last clients.  She always makes me laugh, I don't think I have even smiled for 3 days and she actually made me laugh and enjoy my 2 hours I had with her.  This morning "Rhianna" sent me a text and we have had coffee together in the past to commiserate because, she lives with my husband too, only in a different house.  I learned a lot about a woman......"Terri" who private messaged me some very intimate details of her life that broke my heart and made me realize, life isn't easy for so many people, and "Bridie" who I literally went to school with since kindergarten and married her high school sweetheart as well, and has also been where I am, has thanked me and shared her story.  In this world there is always another story.  Another broken heart, for other reasons maybe but still the same.  This is my therapy.  I share in hopes that it will help others.  To open up discussions, maybe not even with me, but maybe in someone else's life, when their life is not going as planned.


    I also follow other blogs and I apparently overstepped a boundary by asking how "Andy" was doing because I read his mothers blog and one in particular broke my heart as a mother.  Rest assured, I do not discuss others blogs with everyone, but since that was "Andy's" father I assumed it was ok, I  apologize for that.  I thought the dad and I had a normal conversation in the privacy of my quiet studio, there was no one else around to hear.  As a mother I was reaching out with reassuring words of kindness, nothing else so I apologize sincerely, I had no idea he didn't read your blog or know you even had, a blog since he has mentioned to me that his wife reads my blog and has discussed with me things on occasion regarding its content........So "Angela" please accept my heart felt apology, I guess I don't realize sometimes that since I post things and throw it out to the world that someone else may have a very private life, and I didn't think that I was causing harm.


    I really don't know how many readers I have, because I may receive a comment or two if I'm lucky or a like on my FB status, and then I get the wonderful messages from a few great friends.......But to all of you who read for whatever reason......thank you.......any thank you for the words of encouragement, wisdom and kindness.  I appreciate every one of you......for thinking, I guess, that what I have to write is somewhat interesting.......for me, it's just my life.......

There is just this one thing..........

Have you ever felt like you have flat lined?  There is that one more thing that puts you over the edge and makes you snap?  Snap to the point you can't even fake a smile any more?

There is one thing, only one that I can't seem to get out of my life or get passed.  

I see a therapist.  Not as often as I should and I am in a dark place. Twice this week  I felt like I was having a heart attack, I am sure it is anxiety, I have never had either, but I didn't tell my family because I just wanted to see if it would happen.  I don't think that is the correct or normal response to someone who thinks they may be possibly in a serious medical situation.  Twice in the last two weeks I have had some bad thoughts involving medication........I know I shouldn't say that out loud because I have friends who may be obligated to do something about it.  Rest assured I wouldn't.  I'm obviously not selfish enough to hurt everyone around me to make my pain go away.  

I went and saw my therapist.  Never easy, it all comes out.  The pain explodes out of your mouth like a water balloon hitting pavement. You can tell people on a day to day basis that you are having a bad day, and maybe even why and they always try to help with words of wisdom, suggestions etc. and it is great to have such an amazing support group around me, but the therapist is there to help me fix me, not the situation.  Apparently I need a lot of fixing right now.  I can't smile.....not really, every now and then one creeps out and I'm surprised. There is one thing  that is blocking me of my happiness that I can't get passed.  That one thing I was told yesterday is not going to change.  I am not asking anyone to change for me.  Only for themselves.  They have made a choice to keep the greater of all evils.  I now chose myself.  I need to keep strong and attend a therapy session every week as well as 3 or more meetings to help me get stronger.  I have created my own safe place and space I can go to.  I am slowly removing what is killing me slowly every day.  My choice is to be happy again.  I will be 44 this year and have been sad, defeated and scared for long enough. They say change is good, but it is scary.  I don't know what is going to happen today, tomorrow or next week, but I have chosen to protect myself so I can have thoughts of a happy future and wake up and look forward to the day, not worried or scared.

I chose me, and there is just this one thing.............

Oh...I'm a "Mother" all right......

What kind of mother are you?  With this Mother's Day approaching, I don't know what I want when they ask me.  Cooperation, help around the house, kindness. Same answer world wide I am sure.

 Each child is different therefore I think even in the same house hold we raise each child in a different way.  Some are easier, some are harder.  Some are boys, some are girls.  I have heard many times....Boys are so much easier....girls are so much easier.  Easier, harder?  I don't know.  What I do know is that a boy is a boy and a girl is a girl, and each child is a person who develops their own individual personality and life....away from home.  Whether we like it or not, just like us......they are an individual.

I am the mom that has chosen a career so I would have a flexible schedule to be able to attend all games, functions, drive them to guitar lessons, bring them to school, pick them up, run to their rescue when the flip a car then be at the hospital all night for that or while they are sick, run them to doctors appointments, drop them off lunch, follow them around school when they are failing.

I have included road trips to amusement parks and paid a fortune for lessons, extra schooling and lately competition and travel teams.  I've bought expensive guitars, amps and clothing, probably spent 10's of 1,000's of dollars in gas and have driven numerous children home, had them stay over for whatever reason and done a lot of free hair in my life to all the "Best Friends"

I have frozen my ass off on many bleachers, sat through rain, snow and 100 degree weather.  I have given up numerous weekends to attend and worked very odd hours to make sure we had the money for the uniforms and extra lessons, fee's etc.  I also am tired.  Every morning (now here's where we may get a discussion going so bring it, I'm a big girl...) regardless of my insomnia...I wake up, brush my teeth and put in my daughters clip in extensions....yes every morning, she was not blessed with long flowing locks, but hair more like my brother Steve, and lately do her self tanning lotion because she also has my Hungarian skin and even though "EVERYBODY" has a tanning package at a tanning place, I refuse, so I get to apply her self tanner so it is done evenly.

Now the grades have dropped so now I am the mean mom who takes the cell phone away as soon as I (or Daddy) gets home.  I am not allowing her to go to the "Pink Out" dance tonight even though she already bought the ticket and it all goes to charity.  I'm also the mom who had my son arrested, at 11 years old, for stealing our BB gun after we told him no and he got caught because he shot the sheriffs son (no he didn't shoot the deputy) in the chest. (That's a story for a different day)  and when my son has gotten himself thrown into jail, always for stupid things like not paying parking tickets, then not showing up for court, etc...I refused to bail him out of jail.  Daddy did though and he still owes him $400 dollars because he gave him back the electric guitar he was holding for ransom to get repayment.

And I just want a little help around the house.  Well, the nail appointment has been canceled due to grades, I refuse to take her to get her drivers permit unless she brings them up, if she doesn't get them up then she will be attending summer school (like Jayson did almost every year) and she "needs" new extensions because they don't last forever, but she will have to earn them, which right now she has no time, because she has gotten herself into such a poor habit of being behind in school its "not humanly possible" to get caught up.

That's the kind of mom I am......I am learning every day, I make mistakes and I often pay for them in my own way........what kind of mom are you?

I have

Another Birthday approaching too quickly....

Every year as I approach ANOTHER year, I go through the, what to wear, what not to wear, how to wear my make-up, perfume and hair websites.  I know I am in the beauty industry and I read endless magazine articles which mostly focus on airbrushed movie stars with personal nutritionists, trainers, stylists, make-up artists, hair dressers and plastic surgeons.

As I now approach 44, I feel more mature, yet of course don't want to dress in the styles that are age appropriate.  Of course in the above shoe, I'm sure you can guess which shoe I liked better, and which shoe was geared more towards my age.

One thing I do know is that I don't want to be one of those mom's that looks like I am trying to compete with my 15 year old daughter ( as I look down I am wearing a hand-me-down Fox shirt she gave me......), I have seen women my age wearing Aeropostal,  Hollister and American Eagle, and they do look ridiculous.  Those are teenager trend brands and I read last night after 40 you shouldn't have holes in your jeans.  Small ones maybe but not the kind I wore to work yesterday. (Again a Stevi hand-me-down).

Thank God pleated skirts and maxi dresses are a classy option, being that I just went shopping Sunday.  My mom and I talked about issues with pleated skirts stretching out in all the wrong places, I mentioned maybe they needed to be sized up...and that is exactly what the stylists column said, "If pleated skirts or shirts are being pulled, they are too tight."  Also the picture I posted is a tummy control option if that's an issue.  Who knew.

Make-up. I am a make-up artist, I love to play.  At my age, if I do play on myself, I must admit, I do look and feel older those days.  Natural and less is the key...sigh.....

Perfume.  I used to love to wear sexy, musky scents with hints of vanilla and Oriental spices. Now I wear clean and floral scents, my favorites are now Jessica McClintock and Chanel Madmoiselle.... both of which are $90 and up per bottle.... geez (I'm wearing hand me downs from my sister for now because they are free, currently Yves Saint Laurent's Baby Doll, which thankfully smells like me because I've been told I have a certain smell, and when I grab a random sample etc. my husband and kids say I don't smell like me.)  Another of my favorites is Beautiful Love......I used to wear Obsession, Poison and Vanilla Grapefruit (which I still love and think is OK on me because of the Grapefruit by Lavanila which is hard to find , but all of their fragrances are affordable ($42) and natural and I think anyone can wear them!)

And handbags,... yes handbags.   I blogged about quality, not quantity. It's true.  In your 40's it says never use a cheap handbag, not only do you get more out of a quality handbag because you never need to replace a classic bag, at this age, you deserve!

And last but not least , again, the shoes.  Platform stilettos are sexy and dazzling.....on younger 20's and 30's.  In your 40's even if you have great legs, it's a no-no.  I understand this as I have walked on 5" heels for years and now I can't.  I feel awkward and uncomfortable.   I guess our balance goes, our tendons and muscles change and again.....we are NOT IN OUR 20'S!  I can be in denial just like any other woman... I often am. But I am going to go take off this Fox neon yellow shirt and replace it with something else.. (apparently Rocker T's in your 40's a big no-no!) and I threw away the jeans I wore yesterday.  Oh, and apparently, I have a LOT of denim I need to hem...if they are too long... they need to be hemmed....gees...this gets easier and harder every day.

 Happy shopping.......time to "update and analyze", I've sized down quite a bit......need to check a few more things out of my closet and hand them to my still young and able sister......
More freebies Liz!!!!!

THAT will make you work out!

So the above picture is what I was envisioning.  Sunday, Stevi, Daivee, my mom and I went to Roseville to go dress shopping for Jayson and Guoda's upcoming wedding.  I needed a rehearsal dinner dress, casual but dressy enough for a patio rehearsal dinner at a golf course, and a Mother of the Groom dress for an evening wedding and a golf course, dressy, classy and cocktailish yet "Mother of the Groom" not hey look at me, I'm 44 and I'm trying to look 24!  

It doesn't help that the particular day we chose was the day after my Scentsy de Mayo party, salty Margarita's, taquitos, chips, etc.  I was a bit bloated even though I drank only two Margarita's and had 3 waters during.  Then we were brilliant and decided on the way down to have Jack in the Box for breakfast, since we never eat that kind of stuff for breakfast, and all four of us agreed it was delicious.

Our strategy was to walk and window shop, meet at the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, then go try on our favorites. (Another brilliant idea.)  Then add in that my shopping partner is my mother who is dedicated to her 3 day a week CrossFit, and I am built more like my Hungarian side of the family and have only hit the CrossFit gym 3 times since I broke my ankle on December 6th, have gotten 2-3 runs in and maybe a handful of walks.  In a 5 month period, that is nothing when you are built like your "Nudgemamma".  I have always been a shape-shifter, being 5'2 and 3/4 ( ;-D ) and stalky for strength, not endurance doesn't help.  

Now I know why I need to get back into my 6 day a week routine....anything less is just not enough for me at my age, cut back on the crap and just do it.  I know I have ranted about this before but when you end up expecting top picture and getting bottom picture you realize..

• You don't have the willpower you used to have, now you need mental determination.
• You will never, EVER, look like you did in your 20's unless you basically live at the gym and never put anything, and I mean ANYTHING, bad in your mouth again.
• Your waste line is not really a waist line anymore.
• Your ass, is not really an ass anymore.
• Body shapers were the best invention ever.
• The next 6 weeks are going to really hurt.

So Stevi and I, have been getting walks in around 10 at night when we have been busy and last night we met my mom at CrossFit. It hurt, I am out of shape but it felt great.  For now, since my life needs to revolve around work not the other way around, we will be on a drop in for now.  I know how to eat, I have been here before, so for now..I am going to go put my shoes on an go for my run since for the rest of my life (providing I don't break an ankle again or get lazy and complacent)  Sundays will be my day off..I just pray my jello legs don't quit on me..........

Someday someone will realize I've given my all my whole life

and there is just no more to give.

Someday somebody will want to put me first

not  just because they feel they have to.

Someday when I've fought so hard to make everyone else happy in my life

I will have no fight left.

Someday when I am struggling someone will notice

instead of watching TV or texting people that never truly are there for them.

Someday when I have tears in my eyes someone will want to take them away

not just turn their heads and act like they don't see.

Someday someone will realize I've done all I can

and see that half should have been enough.

Someday I will get a simple smile and a hug

instead of a sneer and a slamming door.

Someday I may not be here and there will be panic

because everyone will just stand there confused.

Someday if I disappear

will they even notice?

Im invisible now..........someday they may try to find me.