Sunday, September 7, 2008

Ablation....piece of cake?.........

Yes, why don't we take a moment to learn about NovaSure.  Dr. Pollock said, "Piece of cake, you will have it done on Thursday afternoon and be golfing on Friday" SIGN ME UP!  As the old adage goes, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."  But, because I have been having so many issues with my female fun times, I heard exactly what Dr. Pollock said and took that as the gospel.

Thursday afternoon, walk into the office and sign the waiver which  list complications, one of which is puncturing through uterine walls and damaging Stomach.......huh.....oh well sign. Another complication is internal organ damage due to procedure?  Ok, whatever, I guess they have you sign everything for precautionary reasons.  

Inside the procedure room, they shoot me once, twice, three times in my rear end with Demoral and some other medication, one for pain, on top of the 4 advil I took an hour prior and two to keep me calm.......ok why do I need to be calm, oh yeah because I am awake during the procedure, one reason the nurse told me is because I need to be aware of anything going wrong, such as them puncturing through the wall of my uterus into my stomach, oh ok, sounds like fun, by now I am speaking like Zsa Zsa Gabor and having a very delayed reaction to whatever is being said to me, words are forming in my brain, but for some reason, they aren't quite coming our of my mouth as I intended.

Enter Dr. Pollock, boy, he sure is all smiles today......."Want to see my tool?"  I slur..."Okaaaaaaaay"  He raises this tool that looks like a meat thermometer and says,  "this is the tool"......"wow...."  I respond,  he says "Check this out!"  Then I think he pressed a button and a rod came out the top then it sprang open like a bat wing, only it had razorblades on all sides including the top.  Hmmmmm is this what I signed up for?  "Shlooks like pphunnnn".  I guess that is the gadget that can puncture the uterine walls.

The nurse then grabs my hand and gets really close to my face and says..."Lisa, are you listening to me? ''...."mmmmmmyups" "Honey, this is going to REALLY REALLY hurt, do you understand?" "whaaa?" "I mean this is really going to hurt, but you need to tell us if something feels wrong, do you understand this?""wrooong, yeah, issssok"

Dr. Pollock....."Now, Lisa, tell me to stop if you can't bear the pain, Nurse SoandSo  here started screaming after 3 seconds and begged me to stop, so you don't need to be brave, just tell me when to stop."....."uh oh........k, shlets geter done"

Dr. Pollock."30 seconds bzzzzzzzzzzzzzshrrrr"
"90 seconds bzzzzzshrrrr"
"80 seconds bzshrrrrrrrrrzzz......wow, you're a champion are you ok?"

At this point I think I ripped the hand off of the nurse and had intense eye contact with her with that 'Oh shit, I just might die' look in my eye.  This is worse than labor, I kid you not!

Dr. Pollock....."Now Lisa, the whole right side of your body is going to be in extreme pain, this is normal, we are almost done, are you ok?" "JUSSSSGETERDONE!"  " Ok Champ, wow you are amazing, most women are crying by now."  "I halfaye shtrong tolenanssssse for peen."  "Ok only 70 seconds"...huh how many seconds are there and why is my right ear on fire and my toes curled up into a fist?   "Ok, Lisa we are done, don't look at the mess, the nurse will clean it up so you, no no don't sit up please!,  wow, you are definitely the champion, you didn't even ask me to stop once!"  "sho where's my blpalaque floor the shwall?"

As the nurse is cleaning up the blood, tissue and me, I am thinking, Thank God, I only have to do this once!, the nurse then says, "Oh and I don't care what Dr. Pollock says you need to take tomorrow off, he is a man and has never had this done, I have, believe me you need a couple days to rest, you are going to be sore."  Gee do you Fucking think so! Thanks for the warning!

Ummm yeah, then Dr. Pollock comes back in the check on me and says..."You will be sore and will be leaking for the next 4-6 weeks, so wear a pad, in four months we will know if it is a success, if not, call me and we will do it one more time."  "HUH!"  I HOPE YOU WILL NOT BE HEARING FROM ME EVER AGAIN, PIECE OF CAKE MY ASS!  And don't forget ladies, I am Bubba.

8 comments:

Mom said...

I never knew that Dr. Pollack has such a sadistic side until you told me about your walk in the park minor procedure!

matt duval said...

What the hell was this Lisa? Oh my God...I've never heard of this NovaSure or Ablation whatever...I'm going to look it up.

Ann said...

OMG, how are you now? I cant imagine what you've been through, sounds awful.

A Mom Anonymous said...

Oh God. Sounds horrid! Are you feeling better??! I know you went to work today because I left the office and saw your cute new car parked in front of the salon ;) I hope that means you are doing well! Give yourself as many breaks as you need!

Perry said...

Sitting here in my trailer, camping (if you call it that in a trailer) at the Oregon Coast and I *get* to read this! MY TOES ARE CURLED! Are you okay!?!?! Wow. Not to be a chauvinist pig, but sure glad I don't have the plumbing you do. Your doc reminds me of Steve Martin as the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors! I hope, in the long run, it is worth it and that life is better for you. Oay! Yikes! Dang!

Chrissy and Jack said...

=-O

Steve Ballmer said...

Ouch

billie said...

Ouch!! My first visit here, I don't know what's going on but I guess I better read more. Thanks for visiting my blog.