Thursday, February 2, 2012

Addiction runs very deep.......

 That's a scary chart isn't it?  Where do you fall?  Addiction is in every family in some shape or form, it is sometimes new, sometimes a generational illness or sometimes it's just a weakness of the times, when depression overcomes you, you want to disappear.  I don't think I have an addictive personality... although I do get addicted to perfection (like my mom and sister) and I like to win at matter how small or silly, I enjoy being on top.  I think my main addiction would probably be coffee and exercise.  I know I was going through caffeine with drawl yesterday because I ended up with a full blown migraine.  I was trying to not take anything because since I broke my ankle on Dec 3rd , I have been unable to exercise and have had to rely on pills to feel better, go to sleep, handle stress etc.  I told my husband I feel like a pill popper because every pill I was taking I could have fixed that symptom with diet and exercise.  With Vicodin you have no appetite so you don't eat and with a broken ankle you don't exercise, without diet and exercise I am an insomniac.  I have never gotten hooked on anything. I've never been a smoker, yes I've tried it as a kid and thought I was really cool so I smoked awhile, and I hung out with the tough crowd and dabbled in partying, until I met my husband in high school and he told me he didn't date girls like me. Like a record scratching and the room going silent, I quit that group of friends and everything that went along with it.  My father (biological) had a gambling problem and I remember my Mom waiting at the window when I was little, sometimes crying in a dark kitchen...she would continue to look out the window in Reno Park and the window faced the only road to Bordertown that existed.  At that time, we were the first trailer on the right when you came down that road so she would watch for the headlights that sometimes never came.  He gambled everything and eventually took my Mom's jewelry to the pawn shop before my Mom had enough.  She had two young children,one with special needs, I was 5 my brother was 3.  We were in our newer trailer on Owl Court and I remember her sitting at the dining room table smoking a cigarette crying and she told me Daddy would never be coming home again.  And he didn't.  We were homeless during these times and luckily had a car to live in.  We spent our days  in a park for a awhile and slept in the car at night, on Washington St. while my Mom did what she could to find work and sometimes my brother and I would split what my mother got us to eat and she would eat what was left.

My son who is amazing now, had a bit of a substance abuse problem for awhile which got him kicked out of our house at 17 because we had to teach him tough love.  It was the hardest decision we had to make and thankfully now he is the amazing hardworking man he is.  That was a few years of heartache, fear and pain.  Helplessness and anger to mention a few.

My husband battles his demons as well which scares the Hell out of me.  His family is a generational example.  He has drank since he was a young boy and in high school and our 20's it was fun.  But alcohol can change a person, I've seen the dark side and although he says that guy isn't there anymore, I've met him and I'm scared to death he may come back. (I'm sorry Honey I know you read this...)I'm not perfect either, I have had my share if crazy, wheelchair and out of control moments on alcohol as well, I'm not pointing fingers.  I was molested as a child for 2 years and those are my demons, my Psycho Therapist says the fact that I've never been in jail, addicted to drugs, prostitution , had issues with alcoholism and am still married is a pure miracle.  I think that part of my life not only damaged me but also made me a bit of a control freak.  At 13-14 I dealt with anorexia and from 12-15 I was a fighter, not a bully but was there for any friend, and especially my special brother to handle the situation.  I liked fighting boys the most because they knew how to fight, and until my recent broken ankle, pain was my euphoria. Certain smells trigger me, beer is the strongest and I think that is because my Molester Frank, always had beer on his breath at nap time.  Smell is the strongest memory trigger... this I know and it is sometimes hard for me to let it go.  All I know is we all have our demons, I have people in my life that mean the world to me and people who are acquaintances that are dealing with their demons right at this very moment.  I hope they read this chart at the top and realize that those statistics are real.  I care about everybody in my life some much more than others.  But I do have a big heart that has room for everyone.  I've seen the ugliness of all addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling.  If you need someone to talk to, I am a pretty good listener and I will help you if you need it by getting you in contact with the right person.  The first step is acknowledgement.  Are you ready to live life unclouded.  That's how I prefer to live....I hope you do to.

I love you all.......Lisa


Liz said...

I don't really like that that picture is promoting Marijuana - but I know that wasn't your point. I have dealt with numerous types of addictions. Not mine, but others. I've been the woman staring out the window, just waiting to see the headlights, or listening for the car to pull up. It sucks and I will never go there again. If I had to face my demons regarding addictions, they would be laziness and the computer/internet.

Anonymous said...

You are one of the REAL people! Sure, we all have our demons, but thanks for being so open and for being a great friend!! Love you, Broadwater

daisy775 said...

Hey girlie!!!....great job on the blog today, this is my first one of yours that I read and find it kinda funny on what the topic is about!!....ADDICTION is a daily struggle not only for the user but for the ENABLER as well. I am married to an addict who completed a 30 day detox treatment center that he put himself in for Pain med addiction. He broke his back 3yrs ago and had no support from his doctors on trying to get him off the meds. I can say that he has been clean for 4 mnths now and it has been a life changing experience for us both. Everyday is a struggle for him and I try to be there for him as much as I can, but it is up to him to decide if he wants to live a clean life and the people he chooses to be around. You where there for me during his stay and listened too my frustrations and also my happy moments and I just wanted to say THANK YOU!!...don't beat yourself up, you realise that your not feeling yourself and I know you will pick right back up and continue bein that bad ass women!!


Heidi53 said...

Yes ADDICTION is a real issue and I have seen Marijuana addiction kill or ruin lots of lives- so the zero must be from some promotion ad- Sorry it belongs up there in the top 5. We all have our demons it is true- and holding onto the one you love when the demon arises is difficult - you are an amazingly strong woman who holds true to "if it dont kill ya, it'll make you stronger!" Actually real research (the kinds done by PhD scientists are proving that this really is true) I know that you know it and so do I

tim said...

The fact is, marijuana alone, hasn't killed anyone. Some people can smoke and still lead very productive lives, others cannot.
When ANY drug/addiction is hindering one's lives, the time to quit is when you've realized the negative effects.
VERY well written Lisa!!! I never knew any of this, thank you!