Thursday, May 24, 2012


 Runnamucca is always Memorial Weekend.  3 Weeks ago I told Jay there was no way in Hell I would go because it was just going to be a "Drunk Fest"  I no longer have my Deluxe so I can't just ride home on my own.  I now know, if I feel unsafe or unhappy I can leave the situation. I have friends that have moved to Winnemucca and they are just a phone call away.  Knowing that it's okay to set boundaries on my own happiness and security is being able to breathe.  I don't feel like a weight is on top of my head holding me to all these burdens.  Jay asked me last night if he was doing okay in the 'Mommy Porn' category......helping around the house, bringing me flowers, being sober........Yes he is.  I will probably always have my guard up, but I agreed that after Ride for the Tata's I would really like to go to Runnamucca.  We have always had fun, aside from the time Stevi, Jay and I got stuck in the elevator at the Holiday in with a bunch of drunk Vago's , no Bueno.  And we had our wild and fun nights in the past.....I don't know what this weekend will bring, I have no control over it, but he knows where I stand and I know I always have an exit.  That is up to me.  It will be rainy and windy, it always is Memorial Weekend.  This is a part of me I have always enjoyed and I let it be an unhappy place when I had to give up my bike.  I am not meant to ride on the back, I am too much of a control freak and when I felt uncomfortable, I fixed it by getting my own.  That can't happen in this economy, so for now, I need to trust that he will put my safety first.  If he doesn't I will cross that bridge when I approach it.  I am living for today and I have had to remind myself to stop thinking so much a few times, and when I do, it makes life much more enjoyable.  The man Jay is today and yesterday and for the last week is the man I am in love with, unclouded and loving.  Enjoyable to be around and "This Guy" is the one that holds my heart in his hands.  I hope he's here to stay..........


Elaine said...

And I pray that he is here to stay. This is the Jay that I love as a son.

Anonymous said...


She loves him and only him
Im just an Angel peering in

You are hurting, this I see and feel
I wish I could catch you so your broken heart could heal

Although I am not there for all that you are going through,
Just know there is always an Angel watching over you.

I want to be the one you can come to but because my heart breaks when I read all of this and I know how in love you are with Jay, I am not strong enough to be that person at this time but know there is always an Angel loving, thinking and watching over you.
Things will get better. Use that sledge hammer and break down those walls. :)