Tuesday, May 15, 2012

There is just this one thing..........


Have you ever felt like you have flat lined?  There is that one more thing that puts you over the edge and makes you snap?  Snap to the point you can't even fake a smile any more?

There is one thing, only one that I can't seem to get out of my life or get passed.  

I see a therapist.  Not as often as I should and I am in a dark place. Twice this week  I felt like I was having a heart attack, I am sure it is anxiety, I have never had either, but I didn't tell my family because I just wanted to see if it would happen.  I don't think that is the correct or normal response to someone who thinks they may be possibly in a serious medical situation.  Twice in the last two weeks I have had some bad thoughts involving medication........I know I shouldn't say that out loud because I have friends who may be obligated to do something about it.  Rest assured I wouldn't.  I'm obviously not selfish enough to hurt everyone around me to make my pain go away.  

I went and saw my therapist.  Never easy, it all comes out.  The pain explodes out of your mouth like a water balloon hitting pavement. You can tell people on a day to day basis that you are having a bad day, and maybe even why and they always try to help with words of wisdom, suggestions etc. and it is great to have such an amazing support group around me, but the therapist is there to help me fix me, not the situation.  Apparently I need a lot of fixing right now.  I can't smile.....not really, every now and then one creeps out and I'm surprised. There is one thing  that is blocking me of my happiness that I can't get passed.  That one thing I was told yesterday is not going to change.  I am not asking anyone to change for me.  Only for themselves.  They have made a choice to keep the greater of all evils.  I now chose myself.  I need to keep strong and attend a therapy session every week as well as 3 or more meetings to help me get stronger.  I have created my own safe place and space I can go to.  I am slowly removing what is killing me slowly every day.  My choice is to be happy again.  I will be 44 this year and have been sad, defeated and scared for long enough. They say change is good, but it is scary.  I don't know what is going to happen today, tomorrow or next week, but I have chosen to protect myself so I can have thoughts of a happy future and wake up and look forward to the day, not worried or scared.

I chose me, and there is just this one thing.............


2 comments:

Liz said...

You are the strongest person I know and I know, deep down, you love yourself. Only you can make you happy and I'm so glad to see that's the path you've chosen. I love you!

Elaine said...

You have so many people that love you, Lisa. Not just your family. That goes without saying, but so many friends that genuinely love you. Don't be afraid to lean on us when you can't stand and let us carry you when you can't walk. We're all here for you. I love you more than words can say.